“You met me at a very strange time in my life.”
- Fightclub
My Fucking Feelings 11/08/’17
Holy shit I’ve been having feels lately. But different type of feels, ones that are foreign to me. Not worry, dread, or anxiety. And not happy, excitement, or joy.
Somewhere left of center. It’s a calm chaos, like I’m standing in the eye of my life tornado, all the uncertainty in my life spinning around me. My start up. My books. My career. My love life. My future.
But not feeling attached to any of it. It’s there and I️ see it and I️ can touch it, and they are important to me but not a part of me. It’s a brand new feeling and the feeling that distance produces is what I’m experiencing.
I feel — Energy. Intention. Intuition. Vision (not sight). Faith. Serendipity. Synchronicity. Spiritfilled. Alignment. An errie possession.
Hey, did you guys hear what happened to JohnKim? He went Jim Carrey on us. His container has padded walls now.
When you decide to finally cut ties with logic and swim toward an island you’ve never been on before or even knew existed, you start to feel weird. Your lenses change. You start to see the world differently. You light candles and place them on top of Post its with what you really want. And you believe. In things you can’t see. You start to get still. You start asking different questions. Things that mattered yesterday don’t as much. You care less about shoes. You notice things you never did before, about people and how they behave but through a window. So there’s less judgment. More acceptance. You can almost see ego as if it has eyes. You wonder, like an unscarred child. You don’t talk as much. You don’t feel the need to. And so you just observe without needing to raise your hand. Anymore. You feel calm in your storm. You accept yourself. I️ think these things happen naturally. That’s how you know it’s real. As if your body / spirit knows you will need these tools to reach that island.
Your definitions of things change. Like success, love, friendships, and happiness. You start to believe things are connected. Including us. You wonder what else is non linear. It becomes easier to forgive, because hurt is part of all this and it’s not permanent. Nothing is. So you don’t feel a need to choose. Or put things in a box. You can have experiences that are single servings. You cut strings. You don’t hold onto attachments. And there is tremendous freedom. Unlike any freedom you’ve ever tasted. You feel like you’ve chewed your way out of the ant farm.
You are no longer afraid to die.
Life is no longer a circle.
Life is space and energy.
On the outside, I️ am still my silly self. I️ joke around and engage with people as I️ normally do. I️ coach, write, do burpees, and feel shitty about eating donuts. I am human. But inside, I️ am changing. There is a stirring. I️ finally notice my breath. I️ feel close to God.
That island I’m swimming toward is my soul.
I’ve never known it before.
- Angry
