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Sugar goes straight to my thighs, I can’t do math, and I need to be held.

(I’m 44 and turning into a woman)

So men don’t talk about their changing seasons as they get older like women do. I wonder why. Because that shit’s real. I used to break windshields with my boner. Then the morning I turned 40, everything changed.

And that’s what this is about. Change and me feeling really emotional right now. Actually, it’s a message to other men. But I’ll get to that later.

First, let’s talk about my body. I used to pop donuts like they were M&Ms. Today, two bites of one and I feel nauseous. My stomach bloats. And you can literally see the sugar around my waist like I swallowed a life jacket. And the fucking shame. OMG!

Everything slows down, especially your metabolism. You can’t eat three rounds of Korean barbeque or bad like you used to. By bad I don’t mean non organic. I mean Taco Bell. In college, that was my daily lunch. El Pollo Loco was when I wanted to be healthy. Today, it feels like arsenic. But I guess this is a good thing assuming you listen to your body instead of thinking you’re still in a frat. Many dudes in their 40’s still think they’ve got letters on their chest and that’s why they look and feel the way they do. They have not swallowed the fact that they can’t eat the same shit they used to. It’s like you are given a completely different body at forty that’s hyper sensitive to everything.

Okay speaking of hyper sensitive, now sex. Sex is so different for me now. I mean, I’m still a guy. I like sex and want sex often. And I like some kinky shit sometimes, not gonna lie. But I actually need more than a breeze to get hard. I need connection. I need to kiss passionately. I need to be stimulated intellectually before we even get to the sheets. Then I need to be held.

And I don’t want to sleep with everyone. I need to know you and your intentions. Stop laughing. This isn’t funny! I need to know what it is. I can’t just go with the flow. If it’s just sex, then I need to know that so I can protect my feelings. I’ve always been a sensitive man, but fuck man. This is like some Freaky Friday switcharoo bullshit.

Beat.

I like driving. For long periods of time. I like sitting in hot water. I like staring at children. I feel connected to animals. I started cooking all of the sudden. That’s more of an adult thing. I can’t do math. I have to count on my fingers when I tip. Maybe that’s a Johnkim thing, not a woman thing. Sorry. I go to the grocery store four times a day and only buy two things each time. I feel like I have more empathy and I’d like to think it’s due to deeping my spiritual practice but I think it’s a biology thing. I have more compassion for people now more than ever. I also have a lot more patience. And widsom.

Anyway, I finally understand women.

And I gotta say, I fucking love it! Dead serious. No joke. Woman are the more intelligent species hands down. We all know this. And now I can at least be closer to that circle. It’s like the best of both worlds. I still like to drink beer (only one) and lift weights and talk about muscle cars with my boys. But also not be a complete idiot around women because I’m one of them now!

Men, forty is no longer a “my life is over” thing. I’m on the island. And it’s not Tom Hanks talking to a Volleyball. It’s the Blue Lagoon. Really. Here’s my advice. Lean into it. Fully. Because yes, your body changes and you get feelings. But your life isn’t over. It feels like it’s just beginning. Yes, you may lose some hair (thank God I didn’t). But you’ll get over it because you’ll care less about superficial stuff. Well, except for the hair thing. That will really bother you for some reason. So I hear. Start working out now if you’re not. That will help. Trust me. And start eating colors because you need to get used to eating something called vegetables. Also, get used to talking about your feelings. You’ll be doing it a lot.

But lean into it, all of it. Because you’ll finally start accepting and even liking yourself. No more posturing. It’s so less stressful. You’ll care less about what others think. Finally. Not because you’ll be so confident. But you’ll just have nothing to prove anymore. What matters to you at your age now won’t when you’re my age. You’ll realize the sky isn’t falling. You’ll start using less “I” statements and think more about how you want to leave the world. Not that you’re going to die. But you know you’re not invincible anymore. Yet, you’ve turned your bib into a cape because you’ve finally got the balls to do what you love. So it’s all good. You’ll be thirsty for things that matter. You’ll appreciate the little things, like moments.

So look forward to your “older” years.

They will be the best ones of your life.

Really.

  • Angry

Written by

Author of “I Used To Be A Miserable F*CK” . IG: theangrytherapist.

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