My Fucking Feelings
August 21, 2018
Today I feel like Wednesday. Not because it’s Wednesday but I’m not hopless like Monday or excited like Friday. I’m not high like Saturday or relaxed like Sunday. I’m just in between. Feels like I’ve come halfway.
I wrote that eight years ago, 2010.
These days, I’ve been feeling the same. Back then, it was halfway from divorce recovery and building a new life. Halfway to becoming a therapist. Halfway to finding myself and some meaning in my life.
Today, I feel like I did all that and now I’m halfway to entering the second major part of my life. Or more accurately, me. The second part of me and who I’m supposed to evolve into. Who I’m supposed to shed. Who I’m supposed to become. Because one’s exterior world is the result of his interior. Like turning points in movies, I believe our evolution comes like act breaks. And if that’s the case, I think I’ve reached the internal mid point in my story.
There are things I feel like I can do that I couldn’t before. I finally feel like I have the ability to really check in with myself and make decisions based on what’s honest to me. I never used to be able to do this. I made decisions on three things. Logic, fear, and pleasing others. So I never practiced that thing called listen to youself, your soul, your gut, your intutition.
Then about three years ago, after my last three year relationship and once again, starting over, something shifted. I don’t know why. Maybe it just took this long. Or this much.
I started becoming -
Less afraid.
When you realize you’re going to be okay, that the sky isn’t falling, you start to panic less. Most of my life I’ve been afraid of uncertainty. Relationships. Finances. What the future holds. Always drifting into the giant grey cloud of what ifs. Swimming in my own shit as I often say.
Then I realized that the sun comes up every morning. Money comes, money goes. People adjust. Some may not and they may leave but that won’t destroy your life. I’ve found it actually means more energy for the peope who really matter in your life. Instead of worrying all the time, I tried to be curious. About the things being presented. About the people who fell into my life. About the here and now. I started to be more present, in everything. This practice made me -
Less logical.
It’s hard to believe in magic and serendipity when you’re always pulling from a logical place. Wanting proof and doing things that only make sense blocks the impossible, where true life really lives. What’s interesting is as I started to live less logically, I started to notice more magic in my life. Many things I would have stamped as coincidences or luck. I started to see as nods from the universe, that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. This allowed me to accept and trust my story.
And a funny thing happens when you start to trust your story. It becomes bigger than you and you become -
Less people pleasing.
Since you believe your story and truth is greater than you, you don’t care less about what others think. You make decisions that line up with your story and who you are. Period. Of course you’re human and you will always care to a certain extent what people think about you. But it won’t prevent you from executing your truth and where you believe you are meant to go. Because in a way, it’s no longer about you.
I’ve learned that these three things change everything. Hold on to them long enough and they push you past the half way point. You tip. There’s no turning back. You’ve swam too far to turn back. You experience secondary change, change that can not be reversible.
This is what positions or repositions you. And maybe that’s what I mean by halfway. Finally getting to a place where I feel like I’ve been internally positioned. It’s more than not going back to who you were. It’s about getting ready for who you’re going to be. It’s slightly past the point where you actually accept and even like yourself.
And it’s very subtle. You don’t wake up one day and feel the thundering confidence of Denzel from “Training Day”. You notice it in moments. You made a decision and you realize it was easlier than it has ever been. You notice unheathly behavior patterns that have lessened or stopped. You notice your energy is different, like you live on a different plane.
I still flush too early when I pee. I still have typos in my writing. I still have self doubt and days where I don’t believe. Like rubber bands, we all snap back at times to our default. Both in thinking and behavior. There’s no way around that. But how long we stay there is what changes. I don’t live where I used to.
I feel different today. Internally. Like when your taste buds change. I have less tolerance for things, like gossip, negativity, processed food, and small talk. I am more calm. I can sit in stillness. Everything isn’t life or death ←- this is a big one. Acceptance. The knowing that things will pan out, no matter how bad. I have no interest anymore in changing people, unless they’re my clients. Impermance doesn’t scare me. Because nothing is forever and I’m finally okay with that. I’m learning about patience and how things don’t happen on my time. Or ever will. And being okay with that. I’m learning about love and new definitions. How to hold instead of grab. Exploring deeper connections and what that really looks like. I’m still on this path. I don’t think it’s a straight point from A to B.
In a nutshell, I just fucking roll with things now. If you like green and I like blue I’m okay with it. I can now be happy for you. And also still tell you that I like blue. I accept what comes, including my feels, and I adjust. Yes, there will be more pain and turbulance in my life. But I’m not holding a sword and a shield anymore.
I am sitting.
There is no more fight.
- Angry
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