My Fucking Feelings
Book tour documentary. Stickers. Dax Shepard.
In one hour, I will be riding up the street to Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell’s house to be a guest on his amazing podcast, The Armchair expert. Turns out that famous attic above the garage is right up the street from me in the Los Feliz hills and I’m journaling about it to get my jitters out because I’m nervous AF. I am what he calls an “Arm cherry” aka huge fan aka groupie.
Hold that thought.
Right before I sat down to write, I was going through my FB to find a few photos for my new Shopify store because I’m selling hoodies again. Well, sweatshirts. Champion sweatshirts. And this time, I used a legit kick ass designer and a direct printing company called Top Banana USA. I’m trying to make cool shit, with a good message that will make people think. That part hasn’t changed. But I’m just trying to raise the bar. For the first time in my life, I feel a responsibility to.
Put another bookmark there.
The great thing about FB is as you scroll is it becomes a flipbook of your life. I started to see my story from the last ten years flash in front of me via jpegs and video clips. And it made me pause and reflect. In a way, nothing’s changed. I’m still the crazy loud-mouthed Korean spaz who can’t focus on one thing or put pastries down. But in another way, everything has changed. I started to see an evolution of my story as I scrolled through filtered images, unpolished videos, and blogs.
I saw a character arc slowly emerge, even if it slight and gradual. I told Dax, “I think what makes you beautiful is your character arc.” (I’m finishing this blog after my podcast). Not sure how that landed. But I purposely called him beautiful because I think more men need to call other men that. Dax grew up riding dirt bikes and getting into bar fights but he has become a thinker and seems to be on a journey of self-actualization. I think he understood my intention. But he also seems like someone who struggles with taking compliments. Like me. He’s a great guy. Smart and funny and down to earth. It was definitely one of my highlights of 2018. Anyway, I meant it. He does have an amazing story, from rotating stepfathers to drugs and alcohol to fame to being a husband, a father and now creating an important dialogue the way that’s honest to him. I think we spend way too much time trying to rip out our chapters in our life. Including myself. All the shit that has happened is what makes or story three dimensional. It gives us somewhere to go. And he’s gone somewhere. And I feel like for the first time in my life, my character is arcing as well.
I was embarrassed I didn’t make it as a screenwriter. I felt like a failure after my divorce. That hated that the universe threw me into non-profit working with teens, a population I had no interested in working with. I felt like a twenty-something-year-old trying to figure out life. But I was in my late thirties. I always felt like the kid that got held back. Again. I was also embarrassed to call myself a therapist when I didn’t have perfect relationships or any stability.
But as I kept scrolling through my digital yearbook, I saw how each phase of my life was necessary for my evolution and story to unfold. I saw how things started to build on each other and the experiences I resisted changed me internally to be who I needed to be and learn what I needed to learn. For the next stepping stone. Next chapter. Act break. For my story to keep moving forward.
So I feel like it’s all building up to this book now. It’s not just a book to me. It’s the accumulation of all that’s happened in the last decade, including many rebirths. Many start overs. Broken hearts. Long walks wondering if there is a God and if she is listening. I feel an energy around this book as if it’s supposed to tie things together. I’m not sure how yet. But I feel like I need to move all my chips in front of it. I almost feel like it’s not about me. I believe our stories tip. I believe when you finally accept your story, all of it, and begin to share it, it becomes bigger than you. It’s like you don’t own it anymore.
→ Enter the book tour documentary. I’ve never been on a real book tour before. For my first book, I did one signing at Book Soup in Los Angeles on a Friday evening during rush hour and all of seven people showed up. I was grateful for those seven but also embarrassed. I felt like I failed them. For this book tour, I’m hitting a string of bookstores from LA to SF to Portland to Seattle. And I want to hit CrossFit boxes and ride into people’s living rooms. I want to reach as many people as I can, get into lives, interview real people, create a dialogue about how ripe the soil is right now for men to redefine themselves. I will be riding for anyone who used to be a miserable fuck. Or is one now. I have no idea what’s going to happen or how it’s going to turn out. I have a team of three, a gofundme page with two grand in it, and a fire in my belly. That’s it.
But as I mentioned above, it’s not about me anymore. I’m just one domino in the process. The universe is using my story however it wants to use it. And so I must get out of my own way. If not, then nothing has changed. By swallowing my fears and insecurities. By trusting my gut. By taking risks. By believing in something, life will be created. One that I can hold. With two hands. One that I am not embarrassed of. Anymore.
If you want a sticker, please email me (theangrytherapist@gmail.com) your addy and I will mail a few out to you.
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- Angry
