My Fucking Feelings

A new dating app, rowing, and a bear.

September 4, 2020

It’s 3:33am Friday morning. I technically woke up at 2:47am when I got up to pee. Then I just laid in bed wide awake, thinking about life and where I’m at these days. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from years of insomnia, it’s that if you can’t sleep just get up. If you lay there, you’re just going to spin and get frustrated that you can’t sleep. I forget when you’re supposed to use lay and lie. It’s too early to judge myself. Anyway, Mark Wahlberg works out at 2am sometimes. If he can sweat this early, I can write.

I don’t really consider this writing. Books and blogs is writing. This is a treat. This is recess. Air. Breath. My release. Something I have to do. For myself.

The latest.

It’s only been a month since we bought a home in Altadena. It feels like we’ve been here for years. I think it was the bear I saw the other night sitting in front of my tipped garbage can like he was making pottery that made things very real for me. Although separated by a low window, I’ve never been ten feet from a bear before. Holy fuck! As I am typing this, I just heard the snapping of a bungee cord which I wrapped the lid of my trash can with. I just jumped out of my underwear. BRB.

I went to the window. It’s the bear. No fucking joke. What timing! This time I got a better look at him. He’s the width of two German Shepards, a small brown bear. I flashed the porch light on. It’s a shitty light. Like a flickering candle. I only see the outline of him. There are no street lights in the hills of Altadena. It’s pitch black. He looks at me then slanders away like he did something bad. He’s almost cute. The kind of cute that can tear your fucking heart out. I’m not falling for it like I did in high school. Shit, now the chickens are up and chirping.

Yes, I got chickens. Without thinking that we’re up in the hills and their lifespan may be very short. I used to just want to be able to shop at Whole Foods every day. That was the dream. Now I want farm fresh eggs and tomato from my backyard. That’s the new dream. I don’t know how I got here but my doormat says “This must be the place.” So that means I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. In Altadena with a baby, a bear, and…