My Fucking Feelings
A new dating app, rowing, and a bear.
September 4, 2020
It’s 3:33am Friday morning. I technically woke up at 2:47am when I got up to pee. Then I just laid in bed wide awake, thinking about life and where I’m at these days. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from years of insomnia, it’s that if you can’t sleep just get up. If you lay there, you’re just going to spin and get frustrated that you can’t sleep. I forget when you’re supposed to use lay and lie. It’s too early to judge myself. Anyway, Mark Wahlberg works out at 2am sometimes. If he can sweat this early, I can write.
I don’t really consider this writing. Books and blogs is writing. This is a treat. This is recess. Air. Breath. My release. Something I have to do. For myself.
The latest.
It’s only been a month since we bought a home in Altadena. It feels like we’ve been here for years. I think it was the bear I saw the other night sitting in front of my tipped garbage can like he was making pottery that made things very real for me. Although separated by a low window, I’ve never been ten feet from a bear before. Holy fuck! As I am typing this, I just heard the snapping of a bungee cord which I wrapped the lid of my trash can with. I just jumped out of my underwear. BRB.
I went to the window. It’s the bear. No fucking joke. What timing! This time I got a better look at him. He’s the width of two German Shepards, a small brown bear. I flashed the porch light on. It’s a shitty light. Like a flickering candle. I only see the outline of him. There are no street lights in the hills of Altadena. It’s pitch black. He looks at me then slanders away like he did something bad. He’s almost cute. The kind of cute that can tear your fucking heart out. I’m not falling for it like I did in high school. Shit, now the chickens are up and chirping.
Yes, I got chickens. Without thinking that we’re up in the hills and their lifespan may be very short. I used to just want to be able to shop at Whole Foods every day. That was the dream. Now I want farm fresh eggs and tomato from my backyard. That’s the new dream. I don’t know how I got here but my doormat says “This must be the place.” So that means I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. In Altadena with a baby, a bear, and chickens.
Twirl, my new dating app launches this Tuesday. I’m nervous about it. It’s not just another business venture. It’s me trying to do something about our toxic swipe culture. It’s a non-swiping video only so you have to show yourself dating app with dating and relationship experts prompting questions to create meaningful dialogue so you get can get to know people for reals.
About six months ago, a man named Narayan emailed me. A father around my age with a daughter and a passion to change the dating landscape. He had an app he was building. I was writing “Single. On Purpose” at the time and thought our mission lined up. So we met for coffee, hit it off, and now we’re launching Twirl. Every time I launch something, whether it’s a book or a challenge, I get nervous. It’s not just fear. It’s tied to something deeper. I fear it will be tossed next to the pile of other ideas (or as a kid incomplete models I tried to build but couldn’t). I’m scared it will cement the belief I’m the almost guy again, a false belief I’ve been trying to dissolve for years.
Then I remind myself of two things. 1. If the intention is honest and coming from an authentic purpose-driven place, the energy of that intention will ripple outward and play out how it’s meant to. Your job is only to get out of your own way and be a conduit for that energy. 2. When people fall from the sky and it feels organic, the universe is usually behind it. This is how I landed my book agent. Oh, one more. 3. Success is not just measured in downloads. The attempt is a part of it. The courage and strength to do something matters. The first domino is always the hardest to push over and if you can do it, in some ways you’ve already succeeded. It’s our ego and society that tells us otherwise. Both can be distractions from our truth. I will run with the kite, measuring my smile from being a part of something that can impact lives instead of downloads. Or at least I will try. If you’re single and want to help us change the landscape, check it out here.
Finally, I bought a Concept 2 rower. I told myself I wouldn’t buy gym equipment. I don’t want anything to stop me from going to the gym and attending classes. That’s how I get lazy. But there’s a strange full circle with this rower and maybe that’s why I bought it. I had a Concept 2 years ago while going through my rebirth. I had just discovered CrossFit and I sucked at rowing. I wanted to get better at it. So I bought a used one for $500 on Craigslist and rowed my little yellow ass off in my dumpy Ktown apartment like I was coming to America in it. It’s where I started The Angry Therapist and began writing my “Fucking Feelings”. (photo above). It reminds me of when I started this journey. It’s not just a rower. It represents something. As I’m writing this, I’m realizing the significance. Logically I bought it so I could get some sweat in when I can’t make it to the gym. But that’s not why. We never do things strictly on logic. Our actions come from somewhere deeper. I think I bought it to connect to myself. Or remind myself where I came from and how this all started. There’s a reunion here. Maybe that’s also why I started growing my hair long again.
I’m learning that that’s what life is. A series of reunions. We drift. We learn. We come back. Again and again, and we become slightly different each time. It doesn't matter if we’re going through a divorce or launching an app. We drift. We learn. We come back. We drift. We learn. We come back. And this continual meeting ourselves again is what growth is all about.
Life is all about the reunion. It’s not just about going someone. It’s also about the return. Knowing that we have come home, but different, even if it’s slightly different, is what gives us hope but more importantly a story.
Things I have come back to in the last few years.
- My connection to my body by leaning into discomfort through daily sweat.
- My sense of adventure I locked away with my windbreaker and fat laces in the 80's.
- My softer heart before all the expired relationships and panic that I needed to be somebody.
- Loving someone other than myself.
- My fear of animals but this time sitting in front of them long enough to know they have a story too.
- Sitting still.
- My writing.
What about you?
- Angry
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