How To Life Coach Yourself

First, I don’t really recommend life coaching yourself. I’m not sure if that’s even possible since we only see the world through our own eyes, and not able to hold up a mirror and a flashlight to ourselves.

Okay so John, you’ve been feeling disconnected a bit due to your thoughts and thinking. Is there an event or something that happened in your life that’s causing this anxiety or noise?

No, there’s no event. My life is pretty stable and it’s been for a few years now so maybe that’s why I feel stuck sometimes. Maybe it’s too stable. Maybe it’s too rountine.

What connects you to you? Before you answer this, I want you to pull way back for a second. Don’t tell me motorcycle rides or fitness. What’s the big major life thing that connects you to yourself? It’s usually what really matters to you the most in your life.

(Note: Getting your client to pull back is helpful because we all fall into the trenches so fast. By getting your client to pull back, you are helping him see the big picture. You are starting with a clean canvas.)

Okay so the next question is how are you living a through-me life these days?

By creating a dialogue to help others.

And how are you doing that? What are you doing in action?

Writing books, blogs, podcasting, coaching others, teaching our Catalyst Life Coaching Intensive. Engaging with our community. Anyway I can be a catalyst in someone’s life.

And do you feel that you’re not doing this?

I do it everyday. Maybe it’s not happening fast enough. I don’t know.

If something isn’t happening fast enough, that means it’s not happening on your terms. So is there anxiety because what you want doesn’t match reality right now?

Sure. I think that’s a big part of it.

But then you’re not living a through-me life. You’re living a by-me life.

True.

So what would be the reframe or mindset be to live more a through-me life?

Let go of what I want or at lease hold it loosely and just focus on what I’m doing. Trust that things will unfold when and how they’re meant to.

Yes, and I understand that’s easier said than done. But what are three things you can start doing to give yourself that mindset?

When I feel myself trying to trace blueprints…

By the way, could that be where the noise is coming from? You trying to trace blueprints instead of being a conduit and just focusing on your craft. Is that a pattern in your life?

For sure. I’m better now but I used to always live in the future and obsess about why things weren’t happening.

What meaning did you attach if things didn’t happen?

That I wasn’t successful. I was a failure. A nobody.

So if you’re not “successful”, it means what about you?

That I’m not worthy or valuable.

What’s your defintion of success?

My old definition was the big house, lots of money, fancy cars, the beautiful wife. But today it’s impact and building a life on meaning. Living a spirit filled life and helping others. My defintion of success is also having the freedom to design a life the way I want. Basically, not punching a clock.

Then according to your new definition, one may argue that you are already successful.

Maybe but it doesn’t feel like it.

So it sounds like there’s this inner conflict happening between your old defintions and ways of thinking (the old you) and your new ones (the new you). And I think that’s what’s creating anxiety and making you feel “stuck”. The tug from the old you, your shadow, is telling yourself you’re not “successful” based on your old defintions of success which mean you’re not → valuable.

Yeah. And also because I don’t have children and I just turned 45, I put all the weight on career. I’m also getting caught up in caring about what others think lately. Not necessarily with my career but just about me as a person. I haven’t felt this in a while. I used to give less fucks. I feel like I’m going backwards.

I wonder if that old tug is also triggering insecurities, giving you the feeling that people don’t like you or that people are judging you and your choices.

Maybe.

What were the consequences or results of the way you used to think and your old definitions?

I always had anxiety, wasn’t happy or able to be present. It put me in a chasing state and made me feel powerless. Also, I wasn’t able to be grateful. I always saw life as half empty.

So would you say that in that state, you felt disconnected with yourself?

One hundred percent.

Okay, so back to the three things you can do to reconnect with you, your truth, and start pulling from your new defintions?

One, when I feel myself trying to trace blueprints, stop my thinking and know that I am doing everything I can and that’s enough. Trust my path instead of trying to control it. Two, put more distance between me and my thoughts by meditating or watching videos or riding my motorcycle or whatever works for me. And three, try to care less about what others think, stop seeking validation and approval. People are going to have opinions about me. That’s never going to stop. And there’s one more, be fucking grateful.

I just noticed that all those lead more to a through-me life.

Yes.

That is your homework. To actually practice what you just said. Daily.

Okay, will try.

Knowing your story, I think growing up in Los Angeles where everyone is chasing shiny things and putting a lot of weight on physical beauty, money, “success”. Where there’s tons of competition and judgment. Since you grew up where everyone comes to “live the dream”, it may have conditioned you to think a certain way and gave you a lot of plastic defintions to judge and compare yourself with. And as long as you have something to say, people aren’t going to like you. People don’t like people with a voice or opinons. Because it stirs up their own framework and defintions, things in their own life.

(Note: Sum it up.)

You said you wanted to be more grateful. What are you grateful for today?

The opportunity to help others and freedom to design my life and days. That I can write every day. Although I’m not in the best shape of my life, I can still move and I feel good in my body. That I’m a part of a thriving start up that teaches people how to help others as well as connects them with a supportive community.

Author of “I Used To Be A Miserable F*CK” and “Single. on Purpose.” IG: theangrytherapist