“Hot” doesn’t have legs
I grew up in Los Angeles, where they film rap videos and blonde lifeguards running on the beach in slow motion. Well, they used to. I don’t know what they film these days.
My point is there are a lot of beautiful people here. At least on the outside. I mean, there are also beautiful people on the inside as well. Many may disagree. But for sure one can’t argue that Los Angeles attracts commerically beautiful people from all over the world.
In my twenties and thirties, I was running a scenic supper club in Hollywood that catered to the enterainment industry. Three hundred people waiting outside. Only the rich and famous inside.
I was in the kitchen, hiding.
Most of the time.
But I too, have be brainwashed.
My defintion of “hot” came from this world.
We also define “hot” based on what was around us as we grew up. What we watched on television, saw in magazines, and the kids in our neighborhood we engaged with or wanted to, who were cool and popular, exciting, rebels, skaters, dancers, jocks, all the different cliques.
Our definitions of attraction forms at a very young age.
These were the two posters I had on my wall when I was a ten year old spinning on my head. These exact posters. Not posters like these. These were the two images my little ten year old brain studied every night before drfiting to sleep.
I wonder how much these images impacted my brain and formed my defintions. Everything from ideals of beauty to sex to definitions of man. I’m sure a lot. Does this mean today I only like blondes and think real men have to know how to fight? Of course not. I am just as attracted to brunettes and don’t define men by their roundhouse kick abilities. But it definately set the stage, I’m sure.
Anway, add palm trees and celebrities for the next thrity years and there’s no way the shine of Los Angeles hasn’t seeped into my subcioncious.
Today, the internet is Los Angeles.
We scroll through images like these daily. But they’re more dangerous because they are real people we are staring at. Not celebrities that we can separate as fantasies. Even at ten years old, I didn’t think I’d marry Heather Thomas or be able to fight like Bruce Lee one day. I knew they were fictional. But today, the people we see online aren’t fictional. They are real. Or at least we think so. Filters and Photoshop has allow room for lots of fiction. Anyway, so the Internet consciously or subcionsiously imprint defintions of “hot” into our brains. At the same time, we compare their social media feeds to ours and our lives. This process runs an imaginary black light on what’s not hot about us.
But hot doesn’t have legs when it comes to building a relationship.
Here’s what I’ve learned.
When you’re super physically attracted to someone off the get go because he or she is your “type”, they become less attractive as you get to know them. Because the bar has been set so high. And you start to see flaws because no one looks that great at 2am when the club lights go on. When someone is that “hot” to you, the chances of all the other things lining up, important things like passion, drive, emotional intelligence, smarts, humor, etc. is rare. So this type of “hot” is hot on the surface but it’s not a sustainable hot. It doesn’t have relationship legs. It’s what I call a “cold hot”.
Then there’s someone you’re attracted to enough to spark your curiosity. Yes, there is definately attraction but it’s not someone who’s going to make you run into a tree when you’re walking past them. But then you get to know them, start peeling layers, who they are, how they make you feel, the dynamic and energy between you guys, and suddenly they become more and more attractive. This is a sustainable hot. It’s what I call a “hot hot”. Hot hot has potential to have legs in a relationship. You can build something with this hot.
Yes, these are generalization and I’m sure people have met someone and hear angels and felt lightning bolts — cold hots and have built amazing relationships with them, turning them into hot hots — the slow burn.
But my point is, especially today with all the false advertising, don’t put all the weight on looks, attraction, and chemistry.
Yes, they are important things because without them, you don’t want to get on the ride. I get it. I am human as well. Just look at the posters above. But you also can’t just go for someone who’s good on paper or makes sense because that’s not even a hot. That’s just warm and warm isn’t sustainable either.
Distrubute your chips so there’s weight on
Abilty to create a safe space.
Abiltiy to communicate.
You get the drift.
A nice ass.
Whatever floats your boat is important too.
But spread that shit out so your bet is safe.
Because what you think is hot on the surface will get cold very fast if what’s inside isn’t.
Be open. Date people you normally wouldn’t. Play things out. Toss your types. Explore. Switch shit up. That being said, hold on to your non-negotiables when it comes to how you want to be treated. Know one’s capacity. Explore your definitions. Be present and aware of how someone makes you feel. Be honest with yourself. Show yourself. Get off your phone and also meet people in real life.
Stop falling for the cold hots and find your hot hot.
And fucking build something real.
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