In my twenties, I saw women in parts. I saw their legs, breasts, and lips. Their attire, wit, and resistance. And I did not see them through my own eyes. I saw them through other people’s eyes, especially my friends. My choice to be with a women depended on the shininess of their pieces and if they enhanced the photo spread I so desperately wanted the world to see me in. Like a customized automobile, these parts could be separated and evaluated. And in my head, I would fantasize about building the perfect woman.
When a man sees a woman as models that required assembly, the result is a controlling boyfriend focusing on deconstructing someone else rather than constructing himself. He turns into a machine that sucks self esteem like celulite, creating two defective people and a pile of parts, turning a relationship into a junkyard. But women grow, and sooner or later, she will wake up and see a boy with his toys out instead of a man building a safe space.
Men who see women in parts aren’t men. They are boys, who haven’t discovered who they are or what makes them valuable. So they place value in who they’re with. They are not in a relationship. They’re in a photo shoot. Their own, which they’re trying to direct hoping to make the cover one day. So they spend their energy trying to control, manipulate, and deconstruct. And since people aren’t putty, they end up frustrated, angry and very lonely.
Almost twenty years later, I have finally acquired tools to change my lenses. Today I see women as whole beings, complete experiences, and they are more beautiful to me than ever before. Their spirit, attitude, energy, and the light they shine is sexier than any “part”. Their kindness, virtue, inner strength suddenly turn imperfections into perfect. And birthmarks, scars, uneven hips, and fat that create curves are all uniquely packaged into a being that compels you instead of completes you, making you want to build something meaningful with them.
Men, if you see women any other way, you will not fully experience the true beauty they have to offer or the power they posses to sharpen you.
Keep leaning forward,