Q: You’re helping me get out of a hole I’ve pushed myself into. A relationship that has ended.. I once use to call him my soulmate. But now I don’t believe in that anymore. Connections are made between anyone.. Not just one.

Your posts on tumblr do motivate me.. Well, not motivate but realize that I CAN do me without being attached to someone. That I need to stop dwelling on what I could of done, should of done… That it’s about the present.. Not the future.Maybe this is a question.

How do I stop looking in the past? I find myself there mostly at night.. In bed. I try to concentrate on my breathing. In and out.. In and out.. But my mind wonders back to what I use to have, back to what I’m comfortable with.
How do I keep my mind off of it?

After so many years that he and I were together how do I stop.
I’m trying this blogging idea.. Yet it’s all leading back to the past. Is it okay to go back to the past? Write it down and get it over with? I don’t know.Thank you again.

A: Thank you for the follow. Many can relate to your situation, including me. Depending on the relationship, they can leave deep emotional footprints. And it’s really easy to play back the past. I think it’s okay to remember. I don’t think trying to ignore or deny the past will be helpful. Actually, the more you try to ignore or ease, the more it will present itself. But there is a difference between recalling a memory and dissecting what went wrong, analyzing, what could have been different, etc. which is living in the past. That’s when we get stuck. Because behind those thoughts are emotions that will make you feel depressed, angry, discouraged, and so on.

So, the first thing you have to do is accept that the relationship was only meant to be as long as it was. So matter how good or bad it was, that experience was meant to teach you something. Something about yourself, others, relationships, love, what you want, don’t want, where you’re at in your personal growth. It could have been a measuring stick, a reminder, a collision for revelations.

Two. Many play back the good stuff and want the person back, especially if they’re feeling lonely or haven’t met anyone new they’re excited about. But remember, it ended for a reason and you have to trust that. Many think if they can do a redo, things would be different. He would change. You would change. Things would change. But the truth is it wouldn’t. Because although people change, the relationship dynamic probably won’t. Chances are, it may be great for a little while but you guys will snap back into who you were.

Three. Break the habit. Start filling the time when you’re in bed drifting into the past with other activities. Allow yourself to remember for a second or a certain amount of prescribed time, then swim instead of sink. Break your thought patterns. Read. Write. Meditate. Learn something new. Go outside and walk under the moon. Hang out with a friend. The more you do this, the more you’ll pull yourself out of the habit of dwelling on past relationships right when you lay down. You do this when you go to bed because that’s when the day is over and you have time to reflect and review your life. Use this time to accept, redefine, rewire, affirm, and visualize your future instead.

- Angry

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Author of “I Used To Be A Miserable F*CK” and “Single. on Purpose.” IG: theangrytherapist