Ask Angry: When will he marry me?
When will he marry me?!
Q:
Can you please please answer my question or address the topic of getting engaged? How much to push (if at all) when he isn’t making any moves. I’ve been in a 5 year relationship. The last two have been long distance. I had to move 3 hours away for work. I’ve brought it up multiple times anencephaly no proposal. I love him. We’re also in our early 30s. So I am feeling a bit panicked.
A:
This is a common question and theme. Wondering why the ring isn’t coming after you’ve been with someone for a long period of time after dropping hints or even having flat out conversations about it.
Here’s where you start, “I’m feeling a bit panicked.”
This is your truth. The first conversation should be with yourself. Why are you feeling panicked? Is it coming from society, family, biological ticking clock? Which are all totally fair. Or from wondering if the relationship is in trouble?
In a nutshell, how much of this panic is yours to own and process and how much of this panic is from the relationship and for both of you guys to own and explore?
If the relationship is good and solid and the panic is coming from you and your own definitions and blueprints, I think you should process this with a therapist and life coach. Not your friends. They may convince you to do some crazy shit based on their own defintions or wants for you that you may regret. Our best friends have the best intentions but not always the best advice.
If the relationship is not good and your panic is coming from fear that the relationship will go south, then it’s time to work on the relationship instead of of focusing on the ring.
So you really have to be honest with yourself. First, where is this panic / fear / anxiety coming from? Then as you explore that, it will shed some light on what to explore next. And usually, it will be tied to other things, patterns, ways of thinking that bleed into other areas of your life. Not just this relationship. And that’s the great thing about working on yourself. When you work on one thing, you end up working on a lot of things.
But anyway back to your question. You should talk to him about it no matter what. Involve him in the process. Remember, you’re doing life with him. Not around him. Have a real honest don’t beat around the bush conversation. Not a long text or email. If you have to write down your thoughts, fine. But you still need to have a conversation.
No light bedroom talk lined with subtle hints that will set you up for unmet expectations and resentment. Make it a real conversation where two people actually sit down with no distractions and look each other in the eyes and speak from their hearts. Make sure you are completely honest and tell him how you feel and how hard this is for you.
But also, take ownership by letting him know you’ve explored your fears and know or have an idea of where it’s coming from. This is why you may want to process with a coach or therapist before this talk. If not, the conversation may just be you putting a ton of pressure on him to buy a ring. And pressure usually makes people run the other way. Also, here’s the other thing. You don’t want someone to marry you because they feel pressured to. Marriages are hard enough. That’s not how to start one.
Here’s the intention to go in with. Please read this outloud.
I will have an honest conversation with my boyfriend about MY feelings and desire to get married. This will be an honest open conversation. I will not judge or put pressure on him. I will just tell him know how I feel and where I’m at, then hold space for him to express himself and where he’s at. My intention for this conversation is not to give him an ultimatum or put pressure on him. It’s to start a dialogue, to connect, to reboot, to understand, and to discover.
Most people run from conflict and tough conversations. Because we are not used to having them. We usually react by running or suppressing. But I believe an honest conversation / check in are some of the greatest exercises for two people to really connect and strengthen a relationship. It’s how legs are built and trust is formed. Conversations, assuming the are healthy and safe, produce glue. Not drift.
- Angry
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