Ask Angry

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Q:

I’m sure you get asked tons of questions a day, but am crossing my fingers that you’ll stumble upon this one and want to answer it. I’m going through what they now call “dating fatigue.” I’ve gone on a good amount of dates these past few months, and will end up dating these guys for a couple weeks, only to find out that they’re looking for something casual. I would like to think I’m an optimistic person but I’ve been feeling really disheartened lately and worry that I won’t find the right person (while also getting emotionally exhausted from the constant ups and downs). How do you put the fun and joy back into dating, when it’s gotten to the point where you end up feeling more disappointed than happy majority of the time?

A:

This is a great question that I think so many can relate to, especially single woman in their 30’s. Not that men aren’t frustrated with dating too but I find that it hits harder for women for some reason. Women tend to turn the corner slightly faster. Most women in their 30’s are done with the bullshit and want something real, something sustainable with legs. They’ve been through the chaotic codependent relationships, the Al Anon meetings, started reading self help books and working on themselves. Done with the bars, the clubs, the one night stands. They want different. You want different. I get it.

Yes, dating fatigue is real. Fatigue means exhaustion. You have exhausted yourself. That’s a sign to stop and pull back. I think there are two steps here.

One, refocus.

By refocus I don’t mean to completely stop going on dates. I just mean to put the focus back on you. Because it’s so easy to get lost and distracted if you’re so focused on finding your “one”. It will put you in a seeking state and people can smell that shit. Go back to doing things that make you happy, make you feel alive. What puts you into flow states? What makes you feel good about yourself? Do that. Or maybe you need to buckle down and build your business or concentrate on school or whatever you’re currently working on. That’s where you want to put most of your energy.

Now during this process, you will also be social and put yourself out there and swipe when you’re bored and have some time to kill. And if you meet someone, great. If not, great. Keep doing you the best way you know how. Growing, learning, evolving.

Here’s the new belief to pull from: You will meet someone. I don’t know when but you will. And when you do, don’t you want to be the best version of yourself? Not for him or her but for the relationship. Because if you want something sustainable with legs, if you truly want to build something, it takes work and tons of self reflection. So when you find someone who deserves you, you will bring more to the table than a tan.

Two, redefine.

Dating can not be a search or you’ll always be disappointed. You need to turn your mental dial from searching to exploring. Reset your mind and intentions. Dating is all about exploring. Not just someone new but exploring self. As you go on this rollercoaster, lots of shit’s going to come up. All types of feels. Exploring means observing them and learning more about you. Dating is about exploring yourself. Not just what you want and don’t want, but also how you are wired, your love patterns, your fears, your reactions, and all the whys.

Dating is not a battlefield (I know it can feel like it).

Dating is a blank canvas to paint new life experiences on. It’s an opportunity to hear new stories and learn about others, about love, but more importantly yourself. You are not dating to find anyone. (I understand technically you are. But I’m talking about mindset. Because the way you decide to see something will determine the kind of experience you will have). You are dating to grow. To lean into resistance. To feel something. To discover. You are dating because you believe in love.

Final reminder.

You usually meet someone when you least expect it. Love always comes unexpectedly. Usually when you’re NOT looking. And the person you meet isn’t always the person you had in mind. He or she may come in a very different package. They may be unlike anyone you’ve ever experienced or been attracted to. And I think that’s the brillance of love, that it is unpredicable. So be open and be patient. Because one of the greatest misconceptions about Cupid is that he’s stupid.

  • Angry

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Author of “I Used To Be A Miserable F*CK” and “Single. on Purpose.” IG: theangrytherapist

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