Every man was or will be a douche at one point in his life. When we’re scoring touchdowns in high school, receive letters on our chest in college, land that corner office in our twenties. Discover weights. There’s no way around it. It’s like puberty. All men go through it. But the key is to not do it twice.
We only get one free get out of being a douche card.
What is a douche? Any posturing behavior that stems from insecurity or ego. Examples of being a douche include but are not limited to, purchasing a bright yellow Ferrari because you can, not because you’re a car enthusiast. Being a dick to the elderly or children. Checking yourself in every single reflection. Tattoos purely for aesthetics. Crunchy hair. Not controlling your alcohol. Groping women. Starting fights with men. Fake bake. Teeth that glow in the dark. Sporting sunglasses indoors. Controlling your partner. Being the loudest voice in the room. Flavored condoms. Animal cruelty. Pulling in front of the car that cut you off and slamming your brakes. Not tipping. Tossing your keys at the valet guy instead of just handing them to him. Way too much cologne. Demanding to speak to the manager in restaurants. V-necks that meet at your belly button. Refusing to turn down your car stereo while people are trying to have a conversation. Being creepy. Motorcycles that set off car alarms. Bullying. Cursing and graphic sexual language in front of women. Over tipping to impress others. Ghosting. Asking people you don’t know well how much money they make. Telling people you don’t know well how much money you make. Screaming like you’re giving birth while you’re working out. Walking across the street when everyone else is waiting for the walking light except you. Road rage. Driving recklessly. Going halves on the check on the first date, when you asked him/her out. Talking over people. Being an asshole to your parents. Ordering the most expensive thing on the menu because you know you’re not paying. Belching in public. Putting people down. Talking shit about others. Bragging about who you know. Asking your partner about her sexual history because you’re “just curious” then judging her for it. Treating your employees like shit.
Although it may feel empowering, this behavior only announces your insecurity. And everyone knows, even though you may not think so. We talk about you.
“The drug dealer, the ducking and diving political leader, the wife beater, the chronically “crabby” boss, the “hot shot” junior executive, the unfaithful husband, the company “yes man,” the indifferent graduate school adviser, the “holier than thou” minister, the gang member, the father who can never find the time to his daughter’s school programs, the coach who ridicules his star athletes, the therapist who unconsciously attacks his clients’ “shining” and seeks a kind of gray normalcy for them, the yuppie — all these men have something in common. They are all boys pretending to be men. They got that way honestly, because nobody showed them what a mature man is like. Their kind of “manhood” is a pretense to manhood that goes largely undetected as such by most of us. We are continually mistaking this man’s controlling, threatening, and hostile behaviors for strength. In reality, he is showing an underlying extreme vulnerability and weakness, the vulnerability of the wounded boy. The devastating fact is that most men are fixated at an immature level of development. These early developmental levels are governed by the inner blueprints appropriate to boyhood. When they are allowed to rule what should be adulthood, when the archetypes of boyhood are not built upon and transcended by the Ego’s appropriate accessing of the archetypes of mature masculinity, they cause us to act out of our hidden (to us, but seldom to others) boyishness.”
- Moore and Gillette
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