Let’s be completely honest. No matter how much we convince ourselves that it won’t matter, knowing how many people your partner has been with will eat at us like an Ebola virus.
Okay, it works like this. The phases below are not made up. It’s not a theory. They hang on general pattern I have discovered from coaching real men with their relationships.
At first, it’s just fun and curiosity. He wonders about her exes. She gives him some information. He starts comparing him and ask questions about their performance and maybe even size. But it will come off as half joking or he will appear insecure about his own. So he ask questions in a fun and curious way to retrieve the information without appearing threatening. She won’t know it’s a trap. Neither will he. He believes he can handle it — but he can’t. He will be paying me for therapy later. She tells him a few details but nothing more. Because she knows how this will play out. She’s been here before.
Now he’s off to the races. First, in his own head. He begins to compare and compete. Plays imaginary sex scenes from her past based on the little information she has given him and fills in the rest with his own insecurities. He assumes, labels, and judges. This leaks into the bedroom. Now he’s scompeting. There is disconnect. She’s confused. He’s angry. She doesn’t know why. It’s not longer a game for him. He has tied her sexual past to his worth as a man. Now he wants to know details. He has to know that if he is not bigger then he has to be better. She won’t tell him details because she is protecting the relationship. This makes him feel like he’s inadequate.
Now he starts to believe that she would rather be with them even though nothing in her behavior or words claim that. But still, he believes it with ever fiber of his being. She will think he “fucking crazy” and realize that he is acting exactly like her jealous exes, which is why she broke up with them.
We become infected with a virus we created ourselves. It may be dormant but it will always be there right below the surface. You can discuss and explore past relationships if your intentions are to get to know your partner’s story, so you can be empathetic and understand her better. But there’s absolutely no reason to know her sexual history. Leave that shit in the past. It’s a very slippery well to fall into. I don’t care how confident you think you are, it will only make you insecure and turn you into a pouty boy.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter who she has been with. What matters is that she is with you now. Don’t mess it up by digging into the past. It will only break trust. You are putting a black light to your self esteem. Let it go. It’s poison.
Boys want to know who she’s been with.
Men could care less.